Friday, August 7, 2009

G. I. Joe Doesn't Give Us Much To Cheer About

Comic book adaptations are all the rage in Hollywood right now, when one such movie succeeds every studio it seems jumps on the bandwagon. With the success of Transformers Hasbro wants in. They have pushed another toy product turned movie onto the silver screen. "G. I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra" is Saturday morning popcorn fluff.

The movie typically begins in the 1600's we learn of Klan McCullen who was caught selling weapons to both sides in a battle, instead of just executing him they brand him with an iron mask now the world can see the cost of his treason. Many centuries later weapons expert James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) has created a nanotechnology-based weapon capable of destroying any armies weapons or for that matter, an entire city. His company MARS sells four warheads to NATO, and the U.S. Army is tasked with delivering the warheads. Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are delivering the warheads when they are ambushed by the Baroness (Sienna Miller), who Duke recognized to be his ex-fiancee Ana Lewis.

Duke and Ripcord are rescued by Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). They take the warheads to The Pit, G.I. Joe's command center in North Africa, and upon arriving rendezvous with General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), the man who leads the Joe's. Of course McCullen tricks the Joe's into turning on a beacon so he can track the case back to where its being hidden. Once he has this information he sends Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun) and the Baroness to retrieve the warheads with assistance from Zartan (Arnold Vosloo). After a fight, Storm Shadow and the Baroness retrieve the warheads and take them to Baron DeCobray (Grégory Fitoussi), the Baroness's husband, for him to weaponize and use them to destroy the Eiffel Tower to serve as a showing of the warhead's destructive power. Making their way to Paris, the Joe's pursue them through the streets but are unsuccessful in stopping them from launching the missile. Duke manages to hit the kill switch, but in doing so he is captured and taken to McCullen's base under the Arctic.

The G.I. Joe team locates the secret base and flies there, as McCullen loads three missiles with nano-mite warheads. After Snake Eyes takes out one, Ripcord pursues the remaining missiles in a prototype jet while Scarlett and her group infiltrate the base. While Scarlett and Snake Eyes attempt to shut down the Arctic base, with Heavy Duty leading an attack on Cobra's forces, Duke learns that the Doctor is Rex Lewis (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), Ana's brother believed to have been killed on a mission led by Duke four years ago. He was trapped in a bunker with Doctor Mindbender (Kevin O'Connor), disfigured in the blast which everyone presumed had killed him. The Baroness tries to free Duke but the Doctor reveals he has implanted her with nano-mites. Attempting to kill Duke, McCullen ends up being facially burned as he flees with Rex to an escape vessel. Duke and the Baroness pursue him while the Joe's fall back when Rex activated the base's self destruct sequence. Rex then heals McCullen's burned face with nano-mites, encasing it in silver as he christens McCullen "Destro" and assumes the identity of Cobra Commander before they are captured by G.I. Joe soon after. On board the super carrier USS Flagg, Baroness is placed in protective custody until they can remove the nano-mites from her body. Meanwhile, Zartan, having been earlier operated on by Rex, infiltrates the White House during the missile crisis and assumes the identity of the President of the United States. Of course this movie ends ripe for a sequel. Can you smell it? Oh yeah.

I give G. I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra a 2 and on my avoidance scale a 1 this is the type of movie that is filled with unbelievability from start to finish, it has loud explosions and has little to no plot, the story is far fetched and it looks plain silly to boot. There are much better comic book movies to take up your time and money, there are several on video already and several slated to come to the big screen in the next year or so. My advice on this one? Sorry Joe this is a no go for me.

G. I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is rated PG-13 for Strong Sequences of Action Violence and Mayhem Throughout
Running time is 1 hr. 58 mins.

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