Yo, Joe!

From the Egyptian desert to deep below the polar ice caps, the elite G.I. JOE team uses the latest in next-generation spy and military equipment to fight the corrupt arms dealer Destro and the growing threat of the mysterious Cobra organization to prevent them from plunging the world into chaos in “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra”.

Director Stephen Sommers adapts the beloved Hasbro G.I. Joe toy line with this Paramount Pictures production that pits the Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity against the evil forces of the organization known as Cobra. This is a formula action movie with a lot of fantastic gadgets. It has power suits. G.I. Joe also displays some kind of magnetic energy pulse weapons and lots of fancy airplanes, submarines and earth-drilling vehicles. The main technical device in the film is nanotechnology. Its use in the film is pervasive and this movie provides ample illustrations of how this technology could be dangerous. After seeing this movie you can understand why many scientists are calling for tight international controls of nanotechnology. All this gadgetry, combined with the film's well-staged action scenes and fast pace makes it entertaining. Saddled with the unwieldy name “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” and produced in association with the toy company Hasbro this movie is fully expected to be another franchise film. A sequel is built into the plot. Based on this first movie, I expect it will spawn another film or two which will produce a combined worldwide box office total of a billion dollars or more. The movie's main character is a G.I. named Duke (played by Channing Tatum). He and his friend, Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are the only two survivors of an attack on their heavily-armed convoy by a team of mercenaries led by Duke's old friend Ana AKA The Baroness(Sienna Miller). The mercenaries have superior technology, including those magnetic pulse weapons, which are used to wipe out most of the convoy. Duke and Ripcord are rescued by a secret special operations unit called G.I. Joe. Despite its name, G.I. Joe is not American, but rather is international, comprised of the best soldiers from the world's armies. Duke and Ripcord talk their way into the organization and after undergoing a ridiculously short training program become elite commandos in the secret military organization headed by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). They are opposed by international arms manufacturer McCullen (Christopher Eccleston). He wants to use nanotechnology bombs to rule the world (yes, just like a Bond villain). He not only uses nanotechnology to build bombs which can destroy whole cities, but uses medical nanorobots to control people and to change their appearance. McCullen is aided by a mysterious mad scientist, of course. G.I. Joe's mission is to stop McCullen from using the nanotech bombs. This is accomplished, but acres of room is left in the conclusion of the movie for a sequel.

The story has a lot of coincidences in it. Duke and Ripcord just happen to be the only survivors of an attack. They also just happen to be the only people in the entire G.I. Joe organization who know the person who led that attack. They also just happen to be the only people who happen know that mysterious mad scientist. Another member of the G.I. Joe team, Snake Eyes (played by Ray Park of “X-Men & Star Wars: Episode 1,” who AGAIN has no dialogue in this film at all) just happens to be the only person in the organization who knows the true identity of the arch-villain Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee). Granted, this is not nearly as many coincidences as it takes to get the ridiculous plot of Atonement off the ground, but it still had me laughing and rolling my eyes. It helps that G.I. Joe doesn't take itself nearly as seriously as Atonement did. The acting is so-so, and the film uses a lot of overt sex appeal in the form of big-breasted starlets for a movie based on a line of children's toys. The same could be said of the Transformers franchise, particularly the second film in the series. But, as a pure action movie, a popcorn movie if you will, G.I. Joe delivers the goods. It was good for what it was so it gets a 3 on my "Go See" scale.

G. I. Joe Doesn't Give Us Much To Cheer About

Comic book adaptations are all the rage in Hollywood right now, when one such movie succeeds every studio it seems jumps on the bandwagon. With the success of Transformers Hasbro wants in. They have pushed another toy product turned movie onto the silver screen. "G. I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra" is Saturday morning popcorn fluff.

The movie typically begins in the 1600's we learn of Klan McCullen who was caught selling weapons to both sides in a battle, instead of just executing him they brand him with an iron mask now the world can see the cost of his treason. Many centuries later weapons expert James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston) has created a nanotechnology-based weapon capable of destroying any armies weapons or for that matter, an entire city. His company MARS sells four warheads to NATO, and the U.S. Army is tasked with delivering the warheads. Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are delivering the warheads when they are ambushed by the Baroness (Sienna Miller), who Duke recognized to be his ex-fiancee Ana Lewis.

Duke and Ripcord are rescued by Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). They take the warheads to The Pit, G.I. Joe's command center in North Africa, and upon arriving rendezvous with General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), the man who leads the Joe's. Of course McCullen tricks the Joe's into turning on a beacon so he can track the case back to where its being hidden. Once he has this information he sends Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun) and the Baroness to retrieve the warheads with assistance from Zartan (Arnold Vosloo). After a fight, Storm Shadow and the Baroness retrieve the warheads and take them to Baron DeCobray (Grégory Fitoussi), the Baroness's husband, for him to weaponize and use them to destroy the Eiffel Tower to serve as a showing of the warhead's destructive power. Making their way to Paris, the Joe's pursue them through the streets but are unsuccessful in stopping them from launching the missile. Duke manages to hit the kill switch, but in doing so he is captured and taken to McCullen's base under the Arctic.

The G.I. Joe team locates the secret base and flies there, as McCullen loads three missiles with nano-mite warheads. After Snake Eyes takes out one, Ripcord pursues the remaining missiles in a prototype jet while Scarlett and her group infiltrate the base. While Scarlett and Snake Eyes attempt to shut down the Arctic base, with Heavy Duty leading an attack on Cobra's forces, Duke learns that the Doctor is Rex Lewis (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), Ana's brother believed to have been killed on a mission led by Duke four years ago. He was trapped in a bunker with Doctor Mindbender (Kevin O'Connor), disfigured in the blast which everyone presumed had killed him. The Baroness tries to free Duke but the Doctor reveals he has implanted her with nano-mites. Attempting to kill Duke, McCullen ends up being facially burned as he flees with Rex to an escape vessel. Duke and the Baroness pursue him while the Joe's fall back when Rex activated the base's self destruct sequence. Rex then heals McCullen's burned face with nano-mites, encasing it in silver as he christens McCullen "Destro" and assumes the identity of Cobra Commander before they are captured by G.I. Joe soon after. On board the super carrier USS Flagg, Baroness is placed in protective custody until they can remove the nano-mites from her body. Meanwhile, Zartan, having been earlier operated on by Rex, infiltrates the White House during the missile crisis and assumes the identity of the President of the United States. Of course this movie ends ripe for a sequel. Can you smell it? Oh yeah.

I give G. I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra a 2 and on my avoidance scale a 1 this is the type of movie that is filled with unbelievability from start to finish, it has loud explosions and has little to no plot, the story is far fetched and it looks plain silly to boot. There are much better comic book movies to take up your time and money, there are several on video already and several slated to come to the big screen in the next year or so. My advice on this one? Sorry Joe this is a no go for me.

G. I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is rated PG-13 for Strong Sequences of Action Violence and Mayhem Throughout

Running time is 1 hr. 58 mins.

Piven Shows Us The Goods

Who is Don Ready? Salesman? Lover? Song Stylist? Semi-professional dolphin trainer? Ready is all of the above – except for a dolphin trainer. When he’s asked to help save an ailing local car dealership from bankruptcy, Ready and his ragtag crew descend on the town of Temecula like a pack of coyotes on a basket full of burgers. Selling, drinking, selling and going to strip clubs is their stock and trade. And they do it well. What Don doesn’t expect is to fall in love and find his soul in The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard.

Much of what works in "The Goods" works because the cast is on fire. Jeremy Piven is the right choice for Don Ready, a guy who is all confidence and bluster, with just a wee bit of animal panic behind the eyes. He's the center of the film, and by grounding it with his familiar Piven persona, he makes room for the rest of the cast to fully indulge their lunacy. Ving Rhames, so often used as a grounded sane presence, here gets to let loose a little as a man who just wants to make love one time in his life. Rough gig, Ving, especially considering who he ends up with. David Koechner keeps the freak on low simmer this time, and turns in a strong overall performance as a result. I quite liked the work by Alan Thicke and Ed Helms in the film as father and son. They're the "villains" of the piece, but they're not evil so much as they are self-absorbed. Helms is part of a boy ba... er, sorry... a "man band," and Thicke proudly supports his boy.

Maybe the dirtiest and craziest running joke in the film involves Kathryn Hahn and Rob Riggle. He plays the son of James Brolin, the car dealer who calls in Don Ready and his team, and although his character is only 10 years old, he's got a pituitary issue that makes him look like... well... Rob Riggle. That would be a funny character by itself, but when you add Hahn, who decides right away that she's going to fuck that ten year old, no matter what, things get truly filthy. Guys like Craig Robinson and Ken Jeong don't have a ton to do, but they make the most of every minute onscreen. James Brolin, as I mentioned, plays the role that could easily be the straight, boring, exposition heavy part, but his sexual fascination with David Koechner is so strange and Brolin's so up for the gag that it really makes him stand out. Even veteran character actor Charles Napier gets a few moments to really make the most of that cartoon character snarl of his. It really speaks well of Brennan that he makes room for everyone in the film, and he knows how to play off each one of the characters. "The Goods" isn't going to revolutionize comedy, but it does exactly what a good comedy should: it focuses on laughs above all else. I don't watch a comedy because I want to see people growing and learning and having emotional epiphanies. I watch because I want outrageous exaggeration, and because I want to laugh. That's the release the best of these films offer, and in this particular case, regarding "The Goods," consider me sold. This gets a 3 on my "Go See" scale.

Pivens The Goods Isn't All That Good

Comedies that don't make you laugh are useless, when the punch line doesn't have any one laughing out loud then the movie fails, so seldom does this happen, that its very surprising when it does, so to go see a movie that stars who I think is one of the better supporting actors in his first star role and walk out thinking what the hell was that, the movie fails from the very beginning. "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard" is a comedy that fails in it's one simple task, it just doesn't make you laugh, this is because it's not funny.

Don Ready (Jeremy Piven) is a Used-car liquidator, he comes in and sells cars, so when Ben Selleck (James Brolin) calls and asks Don to come help save his lot in Temecula, Don and his friends head out to sell Ben's cars. Dons crew consists of Jibby Newsome, (Ving Rhames) Brent Gage, (David Koechner) and Babs Merrick. (Kathryn Hahn). They come into town and agree to sell the cars for Ben, he is scared that he will lose his lot to the bank. His daughter, Ivy (Jordana Spiro) is against Don and his crew coming to save the lot, she makes it clear to everyone. Ben also has a ten year old son Peter (Rob Riggle). Peter has a gland problem and he has the body of a thirty year old man.

Don comes in and on the first day they sell several cars, the lot has a few guys on it that work for Ben they are Teddy Dang (Ken Jeong) Dick Lewiston (Charles Napier) and Blake (Jonathan Sadowski) whom Don thinks may be his son. The jokes with Babs and Peter are disgusting, she makes comment after comment that she wants to have sex with Peter who remember is only ten. Don hires a DJ (Craig Robinson) to spin some music for the sale, he plays what he wants when he wants, he has a problem taking requests. Ben makes the same tired gay jokes toward Brent that just get dull and boring. Of course Don has a secret that he tries to hide, he was responsible for the death of his best friend, Will Ferrell in what is the movies funniest cameo. The movie has a few small jokes in the first half that some people may find funny, but the movie loses it's focus and the jokes get just plain stupid. Of course complications occur and the owner of a competing dealership Stu Harding (Alan Thicke) is trying to buy Selleck's lot. It seems that Stu's son, Paxton (Ed Helms) who is part of a boy band and is dating Selleck's daughter Ivy, needs a bigger space in order to rehearse his group in.

Sadly I give The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard a 0 Jeremy Piven alone couldn't save this dull boring movie, the writing is inane and the plot moves so slow that it feels like the movie won't ever end. Of course when Don faces his demons he concurs them. The lot is saved when Don talks Paxton into buying what may be a old relic of a car from a movie. The movie is full of stars that have been in better movies, there are at least three stars of the movie The Hangover and if you remember what I gave that movie, The Goods makes Hangover look like Gone With The Wind.

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard is rated R for Sexual Content, Nudity, Pervasive Language and Some Drug Material

Running time is 1 hr. 29 mins.

A Documentary About Love Helps Yi Find Love Herself

Charlyne Yi does not believe in love. Or so she says. Well, at the very least, she doesn’t believe in fairy-tale love or the Hollywood mythology of love, and her own experiences have turned her into yet another modern-day skeptic. Paper Heart follows Charlyne as she embarks on a quest across America to make a documentary about the one subject she doesn’t fully understand. As she and her good friend (and director) Nicholas search for answers and advice about love, Charlyne talks with friends and strangers, scientists, bikers, romance novelists, and children. They each offer diverse views on modern romance, as well as various answers to the age-old question: does true love really exist?

Paper Heart is a story about a documentary being made starring Charlene Yi. It’s not the documentary, it’s a biopic of the documentary – the events portrayed happened to Yi before the filming of Paper Heart. Even her filmmaker friend Nick Jasenovic (who is the cowriter and director and producer of Paper Heart) is played by Jake Johnson – so it’s about as meta as it gets in some places. The small but vital distinction shapes the film as a whole – rather than being Lost In La Brea, it’s more of a mockumentary story about love (not necessarily a love story). Can you imagine how Big Hollywood Marketing would mess this up? Yi set out to make a documentary about love, studying it as an anthropologist studies primitive cultures and rituals. She believes she will never be in love, that love has no role in her life, or maybe she’s broken. Her whole demeanor is so awkward, so unselfconscious, and so seemingly socially inept; yet she does stand-up comedy and performance art and pals around with smart (and famous) comics who all seem to be very fond of her. She seems to be lovable – perhaps the problem is she is not open to feeling love herself? In anyone else’s hands, this project would seem narcissistic or fake-humble aggrandizing. With Yi as our lead, it’s embarrassingly sincere. She crosses the country with her film crew, including Nick (as played by Jake) and Nick (the director of this film), finding wonderful interview subjects. The interviewee’s sections aren’t always question-response, but sometimes are storytelling opportunities to reveal themselves, an act of love to the audience. When reminiscing, rather than showing us talking heads describing the humorous or romantic events, Jasenovic has them as voice over while puppets act out their story. Not polished puppets, paper and string and wire and tape stick figures. They are crude, sweet, and subtly innovative (raging rivers, passing through scenery). It’s childlike but detail-oriented (what Yi seems to be), and hugely smile-inducing. The stories are already warm and nice but the puppets make them even more vulnerable and memorable.

When not getting the life stories of long-term marrieds, biology professors, or divorce lawyers, Paper Heart is about this little crew making this movie, and checking in on Yi to see if she believes in love yet. They reference the crew and the scene goals as if we’re watching a making-of featurette, and eventually it is the film itself that gets in the way of the story being told. This sounds like a criticism, but actually it’s an interesting and unique narrative device, and very meta-fictional. During production, Yi meets Nick’s friend (who happens to be Michael Cera – these folks are all in show business after all, so it’s not artificial at all). Cera takes a liking to Yi and she retreats, as we knew she would. She’s not insecure in herself, but she’s definitely locked down in some way that let’s her be all out on stage and hang as one of the dudes with her guy friends. She seems to have no female friends. Having had phases of that myself, I bet it’s because male friends just aren’t as emotionally challenging or risky to someone who is afraid to open her heart. Men don’t ask to be allowed into their buddies’ hearts, not compared to female friends, so she’s safe from risking her heart with the dudes. Cera is not like other dudes. True to many of the characters he has portrayed in film and television, Cera is very sweet and a little shy, and comfortable only with friends he trusts. He’s the perfect foil for Yi’s guard. Nick decides to incorporate their tentative, awkward courtship into the movie, and Yi’s project takes a big turn. I feel like I am spoiling it, but the movie’s appeal is how it twists in midstream and surprises you. The story the documentary was telling is sweet and the story of Yi possibly finding her heart blend together very sweetly and naturally. We grow to believe her disbelief in her own heart, and she learns things as well.  Paper Heart is a kooky, gentle movie that’s all about love, and well worth a look with an open heart. This cute little mockumentary gets an outstanding 4 on my "Go See" scale.

The Heart Of A loved Person Is More Than Just Paper

Documentaries can be informative and they can be quirky, they can be an excuse to rant or to prove a point. Seldom do documentaries turn into a movie with a heart of it's own. In "Paper Heart" Comedian Charlyne Yi embarks on a journey to discover what exactly love is, she claims she just doesn't feel it. That she never has and she isn't aware of where the emotion comes from or even what it's like to experience it. She decides with the help of her friend who is also the films director, Nicholas Jasenovec to set out on a cross country trip and ask people what it is they think love is.

Charlyne and Nicholas travel across the United States talking to anyone that will stop long enough, at first Charlyne is almost to giddy to talk to anyone, she eventually stops a couple and hears their take on love. Some of the Interviews are with ministers, happily married couples, chemists, romance novelists, divorce lawyers, and a small group of children. One of the boys will become our next President, he has such a smooth way of talking it's like he is already getting ready to run. Some of the couples that are interviewed have their story turned into a little sketch done mainly with puppetry by Charlyne and Nicholas that adds to the movies genius.

Then when Charlyne is at a friends house, she seems to know all the biggest stars, Seth Rogan makes a little appearance just long enough to crack a joke or two. The one star who does stick around through most of the movie is Michael Cera who becomes the object of Charlyne's affections. It is cute to see her experience the one emotion that she claims she has no idea what it feels like to experience. Michael soon is following the filmmakers to location after location and soon is spending time with Charlyne, the two have lunch one day and while they are discussing how she felt when the two first met, Michael says "well I wont waste your time then" he gets up and walks out of the diner where they are having lunch, Charlyne is devastated that he has left, Michael has just walked around the diner to the back entrance as a joke. It sounds mean but it is one of the movies best scenes.

Charlyne hears many stories about love, about relationships and the whole time she is trying to spend more time alone with Michael. Of course like every Hollywood love story the couple has the break up scene, Michael finds it hard to be followed around ALL the time by the cameras. He asks Charlyne if she wants to be alone and they run off. Nicholas tells them that the film company is going to pay for the team to go to Paris to shoot the films ending, love in the greatest city associated with LOVE. Michael balks at the idea. He seems hurt when Charlyne says she isn't in love, and we next hear that Michael has told Charlyne that he can not be in a relationship of that type. The film crew still heads to Paris but Charlyne is so hurt that she can't even finish her own film, she decides that she doesn't want to lose Michael and makes the film crew stop off in Toronto on the way back. When they get to Michael's family home in Canada she tells the film crew to wait outside, she goes inside and the camera man tells Nicholas that her sound is still on and asks if he wants him to keep filming. In the movies most touching scene Nicholas tells him to cut the film. Of course the movie needed a new ending and Charlyne gives him a what will be a widely talked about ending down with puppets and she narrates the ending.

I give Paper Heart a 3 and on my avoidance scale a 0, this is a touching movie that will make even the cynic in you think about just how good the feelings of being loved and loving in return can make you feel. Their are many touching stories here and the people who share them deserve to have their stories told. The gay couple who share their story about their relationship are funny as well as emotionally touching. GO see this little movie that may just be what every one is talking about.

Paper Heart is rated PG-13 for Strong Language

Running time is 1 hr. 28 mins.

I Bet His Collection Is Better Than Yours

The Collector follows the story of handyman and ex-con Arkin (Josh Stewart), who aims to repay a debt to his ex-wife by robbing his new employer’s country home. Unfortunately for Arkin, a far worse enemy has already laid claim to the property – and the family. As the seconds tick down to midnight, Arkin becomes a reluctant hero trapped by a masked “Collector” (Juan Fernández) in a maze of lethal invention – the Spanish Inquisition as imagined by Rube Goldberg – while trying to rescue the very family he came to rob.

The kind of movie for which the term "Hard R" was coined, The Collector is a mean-spirited throwback to the nastiest, cruelest home-invasion movies of the '70s and '80s. And I mean that in the best possible way. Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton (they came into the Saw franchise with Saw IV and are still with it) actually set out to raise -- or should that be lower? -- the down-and-dirty bar. Suffice it to say that they succeeded admirably. Ex-con Arkin (Stewart) is one of life's natural-born losers: He's broke, condemned to a series of dead-end jobs, indebted to his jailhouse protector and gradually losing the sad-eyed daughter (Haley Pullos) who he adores but has disappointed one too many times. The last straw: Arkin's ex-wife needs big money by midnight; she's in hock to loan sharks and if she doesn't pay up, they'll do whatever loan sharks do to welchers. So Arkin makes a rash decision. He's been working a construction gig, renovating the kind of house he'll never own for successful jeweler Michael Chase (Michael Reilly Burke) and his family: Botoxed beauty Victoria (Andrea Roth), trampy teen Jill (Madeline Zima) and pampered, eight-year-old Hannah (Karley Scott Collins), who's living the life Arkin wishes he could give his own little girl. Arkin knows the Chases are leaving on vacation later in the day, and he knows there's a ruby as big as the Ritz in the upstairs safe. So come nightfall, he dons a ski mask and quietly breaks into the empty house. Except that it isn't empty: Someone hidden behind a lace-up S&M mask is busy brutalizing Victoria and Michael, someone who's rigged every door, window and other means of egress with crude but cruelly effective booby traps. It's going to be a whole lot harder to get out than it was to get in, especially once Arkin realizes that little Hannah is hiding somewhere in the house and doesn't stand a chance on her own. On first impulse, Arkin decides to bail and leave his future Dexter victims to fend for themselves, but after nearly severing his hand on razors attached to the window, he elects to stay and fight it out against a masked villain encrusted in black leather, one of those getups which screams I’m-the-awkward-kid-but-being-into-weird-shit-has-given-me-a-feeling-of-superiority. The parents, Michael and Victoria, are pretty much fucked six ways to Halloween downstairs, but the two daughters are missing. Arkin decides to find and save them, which pretty much plots the entire second half of the movie. I know this all seems a little trite and gimmicky on paper, but The Collector does a masterful job of using the house as a main character. As Arkin is inside and the Man In Black is unaware of his presence; the action takes on a cat and mouse quality, as the hooded rapscallion wanders back-and-forth torturing for sport and Arkin creeps into the empty shadows trespassing for weapons and ways to free the family. As a viewer, it’s like watching from the Pacman vantage point. The camera slides from room to room, stopping to note where various booby traps are trigged from and what unseemly battle axe or knife-fortified chandelier its tripwire may bring.

Yes, The Collector is derivative; genre buffs will see echoes of movies as diverse as Aliens, Straw Dogs, Audition, and the Bruce Willis thriller Hostage. No, the set-up isn't entirely plausible and one shot of a spider spinning its deadly web would have been quite enough. But Melton and Dunstan know how to tighten screws, ratchet up stakes and regularly give the knife an extra twist. It’s astoundingly illogical, consistently indulgent and unnecessarily graphic. That director Marcus Dunstan embraces all these shortcomings and somehow pulls the entire thing off seems like a bad opinion on paper, but there’s a clear passion beneath the surface--even amidst all the graphic boob shots and decapitated cats. This isn’t a film content to deliver the same scares or incorporate tracking shots you’ve already seen. The horror game is a tired rigmarole right now, and while The Collector is likely to be contrasted against the Saw movies based on its sharing of writers and incorporation of masked villains with fetishes for bizarre game play, this film’s cinematography should keep it relevant in sadistic circles for years to come. This gets a chillingly gruesome 4 on my "Go See" scale.